Thursday, June 25, 2009
God help me.
I find myself once again in the difficult position of trying to feel "ok" about my decision to go forward with my transition, in light of the all spiritual/ religious baggage, that I carry with me. My family history is one with a strong Catholic background, but in my high school years my family "converted" to a non-denominational conservative Christian stance. I myself was very sold on being a born again Christian... It sounds slightly comical to say now, because I dont really identify that way anymore. Ive have had lots of "life" happen in recent years and that process has really caused me to change my heart on these issues. I just dont agree with so much that the church has to say, especially regarding sexual orientation, and also the trans issue. Some may say... "come on! are you serious.. you really have difficulty with that ridiculous lot!, its a no brainer- they're ignorant biggots!" yes yes i hear ya. My issue is not so much needing to reconcile with "those people" as much as it is with my real spiritual connection with my God. I know it may sound self righteous or presumptuous to say that I have that connection.. but for a lack of better vocab..thats how I see it. Ive been taught that the bible is truth and thats a hard conviction to shake. Its hard because I dont reject God or Jesus, I want to have that connection, but I dont know how to. I dont feel close to the universe or God or whatever.. I feel like im on my own. I want guidence and direction but Im not sure that I know if I have that. I have been going on my heart these days.. which I hope, is as close to right as possible. I know deep in me that I have these issues and Ive been trying to get them straight (no pun intended) since I can remember... I have confusing gender/ sexual pref. memories as far back in my head as I can go.. (like 6 or 7 yrs old). I have come to the conclusion that for me to embrace life and be fully alive, equals accepting who I am and who God made me to be. God didnt make mistakes, myself included. So I forge ahead with that premise, and the hope that I can make the most of who I am, as I am, God help me.
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i don't really want anything to do with a religion that rejects me.i have wasted my life worrying about what other people think and putting other people before myself.you have to be selfish during transition and put your own needs first.go with your gut instinct and do what feels right to you.
ReplyDeletei find the stuff the pope says about trans and gay people vile.i have no respect for a man who was in the hitler youth.he's in no position to lecture anyone.being transsexual or gay is something that you can't do anything about.it's something that i beleive is biological and not changeable.i was brought up a presbyterian protestant in scotland and they are lot more open minded and tend to accept the fact that trans status and being gay are not something a person can do anything about.god made me trans i didn't make myself trans.rejecting someone for being trans to me doesn't show and compassion and to me is not what christianity should be about.
rachel.