Lonely Times

I find my self lately feeling quite lonely. I have cut ties with many people of my past, for various reasons that I wont go into here, but suffice to say, I have let old relationships of my past fade away. The fact that I don't have those people in my life really doesn't bother me. Mostly because I was living a life that was not honest in so many ways, and breaking off ties gave me so much freedom to just become ME. The price for breaking off those old relationships, is that building new ones has proven to be really hard. I'm a very private person and tend to be very shy in the beginning stages of any new relationship, so that really kills my odds. But either way it just plain sucks to be alone, especially in some of these significant moments of my new life.

I think my loneliness is one reason I have invested myself so much in journaling and blogging my transition. However the up side to this solitude is that I have lots of room to re-define who I am, and theres no one around to limit me or snuff out any new addition to how I do that. And boy is it sometime a really an awkward stage and I'm learning a lot as I go. One new "definition" that I have laid claim to is my heterosexuality. I say that with My women identified shoes (or should I say heels) on.

I have come to the fairly solid conclusion that I prefer men. In the past I was a very conflicted bi-sexual. I was always very UN-sold on the idea of the boys OR girls. I have primarily had hetero relationships (me as a guy) with other women. However I had a few flings with guys, and some serious crushes. I always felt I had really missed my true passion of being in a relationship with another guy, yet was always a bit squirmy with the idea. I was never able to put my finger on why I didn't feel very comfortable with the idea of me in a gay relationship. Now as I have come to understand my feminine female self it has become so clear. I felt wrong as a guy with a another guy, because I wanted to be viewed and treated as a woman. As I have progressed in my transition, and currently as I write this blog, I feel slightly nauseous with the idea of being intimate with a woman, and right at home with the thought of rolling around with a sweaty boy all full of muscle and scruff. I attribute alot of this "sway" to the hormones, (currently on month 4). I have read many examples of this preference taking shape this way for MTF's.
I really cant say if its chemical or environmental. I would be "OK" with a lesbian or hetero relationship, philosophically. I just have a very gut preference at this point.

So going back to my original point of this discussion, Its crazy hard right now to find a guy, who will love me as a woman, not as tranny, a guy or a bottom, and likely will be for a long time. Im very leery of finding someone who prefers trans girls, for that reason alone. It's a concept that doesn't affirm my identity very much and thus, tends to feel oppositional to my concerted effort to nurture my own self concept of being a woman. It also focuses on my physical difference vs lack of difference of not being genetically female, anatomically speaking. So just a bit about feeling alone on this road, and some of the deeper reasons its going to be a 2 footed journey for a while longer.