Inbetween worlds

So lately things have been progressing well... I'm starting to pass more and more while in boy mode. My hair has now started to grow out, and I feel my features are starting to really round out. My presentation has become very ambiguous. I tend to be wearing sweaters and small jackets on a daily basis, as my breast development has now become obvious. I'm starting to retain more weight. I feel as though I'm getting more of an ass, and bit of hips as well... Often times have to tone things down, (bind my breasts, wear really loose clothing) to pass as a guy in my normal day to day activities, and I find it frustrating to be in the middle of two worlds.

I used to try and try to make my face look feminine, now suddenly it seems.. I am very feminine in my appearance. Its hard to really put my finger on what has changed, because to me its certainly not dramatic. It presents sometimes comical situations other times its flat out awkward. I now find it very stressful to use public restrooms. Ive had several experiences lately of being stared at strangely, in the men's room. Two times I had men apologize for walking in to the wrong bathroom... talk about awkward. Yet I still don't have the confidence to assume my place in the gender that a I strive so disparately for. Time, experience and confidence, are what I'm told I need to have under my belt before I can feel "OK" with living full time.

I used to wish that I would miraculously wake up a girl. Now I realize if those wishes and prayers were answered overnight, I would be in a very difficult position and completely lost. Even now with my transition happening at a snails pace, I'm reeling from the change and uncertainty. I'm not uncertain about my decision, only the road and choices that now befall me as I try to find my place in this other world.

The effects of being on estrogen have been monumental in this process. I feel like I have the actual tools now to "feel" what I had only wondered and suspected about so much of myself. What I mean by that is; my crotch no longer dictates my thinking, I'm not swayed so easily by that kind of mind set. That being said.. I felt for a long time that I had "turned off" my libido, in the process of discovering my gender identity. However it was not only the sexual tension. My emotional world has changed, I'm more tender, softer, more sensitive, less clouded, and more focused, than ever before. I now feel and sometimes cry..when in the past I seriously questioned my self about why I did NOT feel... Now I do feel. It is as though my body is catching up to where my mind has been all along. Now I just hope my physical body can keep up to speed with my soul.