Tortoise vs. the Hare

I have taken the long, the slow road option, with my transition. It has been, frustrating, painful, and sometime outright horrible, Being a guy. More so, since I have had the ability to clearly identify my issues... which is actually good, because I can make real progress in understanding and processing my issues. Verses being confused about why things dont make sense, and me repressing or hiding my feminine desires, qualities, etc. Im very jealous of those who can get surgeries, etc, and transition really fast. But I have come to appreciate the road that im taking for a few different reasons.

I have noticed that there has been some very gradual change in my interaction with the world and also in my self perception, that has been very significant in my ability to really internalize and grow into this new person. I'll always be me.. thats not changing, and Ive always had this girl inside me.. but its like I have to slowly let her emerge and develop. In a funny way, its like MPD- multiple personality disorder... not all dysfunctional, but in the way that my "girl" side, is way underdeveloped.. Initially I was really kid like.. wanting alot of things that were too young for me, this is really common, for alot trans women. Example... wanting everything pink, hello kitty accessories, mini skirts, crazy make up, bright colors.. etc, etc.. basically stuff a teenage girl would be into. Im 36.... and that would be straight stupid to be "that girl" who wears clothes that are way too young for her, and thinks shes something she aint... So growing into the age appropriate themes and culture have been something I have been able to do.. going this slow route.

The cool part.. recently as I have grown into my new role.. its seems as though i am transitioning with out trying. Which is the best way! It helps that Im going by my new name, if people ask me about my name like at a coffee shop or something I say Oh just the Initial "L", and using a more neutral voice, something im still working on. Going into a gas station, just doing my thing.. I get "thank you Ma'am or just find myself really thinking of myself as a woman internally, in my own own brain. Dreaming of myself in a female role, and expecting to be treated a woman in my daily interactions. A good friend told me: passing is about you believing it (confidence) Vs you selling it. I have found that to be very true. As I have grown and become more accustomed to being proud and gaining a more confident disposition, others read that and treat me accordingly. I laugh at some of my first outings.. full make up, wig, skirt, perfume... etc. and then a shaky, mousy voice.. blew my cover, every time, im sure of it. I see it all the time, totally passing trans girls.. then they talk.. and its game over.

My point is: while it would great to just do it all at once and get everything done asap, there's a silver lining here. I have a quote that I have learned is true for past situations that I have no control over, that is appropriate here; "Our destination is not a place, rather it is a new way of seeing things." Enjoy the small things, there are lots of them. Invest yourself in good people, they'll see you for your heart inside, not your body outside. Let life adjust organically to you, theres no need to force what is natural. Save your time, money and energy, to make stategicly planned jumps, that you choose not others.

blessings.
Elle