As I move closer to thanksgiving the pain of family issues becomes more focused and intense. I have started to have some small dialog with my Mom, but its still her just saying how she doesn't agree and her being disgusted with me. It really hurts. I don't know that I'll ever be able to know my Mom like I used to. My desire to resolve the issue is growing more faint, with each awful conversation that we have. So with that, I have resolved that I will not spend the holidays with my family... the consequences of my coming out are now being felt.
I don't regret my choices to come out, and be my
self. How could I? Regret being honest? Feel bad for choosing to be true to myself? Remorseful that I'm a happy person now? Sorry, not a chance.
self. How could I? Regret being honest? Feel bad for choosing to be true to myself? Remorseful that I'm a happy person now? Sorry, not a chance.Despite my resolution-- her words have had such a wounding affect on me.. I can hear them haunting me... "you will never be a woman!" "you don't look like a woman!" "Come on! Get Real!" "this is a lie!" ... it crippling, to have this bombard me everyday in my subconscious.
I've noticed that Ive lost alot of my self confidence... I feel ugly, stupid, and worthless.. Ive been feeling like that this whole last month and its really a crappy place to be. Damn it I'm so much better than this.
I have some great people around me, friends, my sisters, my local community.. they are all so wonderful.. if it wasn't for them.. I would totally sink.
I think about the power others hold and the power we hold. Ultimately its up to us, to choose how we feel. I am going to re-assert myself to the universe and those around me. I'm going to choose to feel great about who I am. Happy to be Me, and feel Beautiful because Im alive.
So For thanksgiving I'm spending the day with my chosen family, friends who love me for who I am, and I can be myself with. This season, Im grateful and thankful for the opportunity to be alive in this wonderful life, living the life I was meant to live!
Blessings to everyone.
♥Elle Renée
Life is such sweet sorrow at times. I feel for your poor mama who is finding it difficult to let go of what she perceived you to be. To let go for the better & just let it be, to let you be--she! You on the other hand are so sweet. It is a joy to follow your blog. With time as you develope your outward female persona, because you already have until now a well developed interior female persona, I hope your family difficulties will ease & become cordial.
ReplyDeleteLove & heartfelt best wishes,
Fabfinny.
That confidence will flourish with time.
ReplyDeleteI'm still not there myself, from the years of self-loathing while living the lie.
But I'm getting there.
You clearly are getting there and shining in many ways.
Have a lovely holiday.
xoxo
Kara