I'm still standing

Wednesday, April 7th, 2010, 6:30 pm mountain standard time.. I nervously drove to a house on the south end of my city. The scent in my black Jetta was fresh nail polish remover. Pink nail polish gone now, as I had almost forgotten, in a simple act to lessen the blow I was about to give. The eyes staring back at me in the mirror had a solemn but honest resolution. I parked, pulled that emergency brake too hard, took a deep breath. I now walked through each moment in real time, the dream was now, no longer a far off conjecture of hope and imagination. I locked the car door, and told each foot to move, one after the other. "You can do this" I whispered to myself, and I turned the knob on the door...

Last night, I sat down with my Mom, and came out to her, I also sent a letter to my brother. It was hands down the single hardest thing I've ever had to do. I didn't know I had the strength or courage in me to do it, but I did. I had a prepared letter, that I ended up reading aloud to her.. I wanted to say it more personally, but I simply didn't know how to start or where to begin. With a racing heart and sweaty palms, I just did my best to read it to her. She was half expecting it i think, but I cant be sure. I glanced up at her, a few times, and saw her eyes well up with tears. Her response was complete rejection. She said she loved me, but could not support me. She believes that I'm believing a lie, plain and simple. Her perspective comes from her complete dedication to Christian ideals as she sees it. Her words were like a cold dull knife in my stomach. I was not there to debate or defend my choices and feelings. So I let her say what she did, and left it at that. I tried to appeal to her, that my "choice" really came down to this: to live honestly or in denial with the pain of what I felt. After a few minutes I got up and left with no words, I haven't spoke to her since. I have not heard from my brother.

My heart is heavy and filled with a disabling sense of sadness. My only hope is that with time things will change and acceptance will follow slowly. I want so much for her to be happy and proud of me, but I fear I may never be able to have that from her. Her power over me is so strong, I could feel parts of me wanting to crumble and surrender in those moments with her. I had to stand firm knowing that everything I have experienced and come to understand was the proof and confirmation that I'm doing the right thing. My sisters are backing me up and giving me support, as well as friends... that is my saving grace in this moment. I am so grateful for the wonderful people around me, without them I'm not sure I would be able to stand in this difficult hour.

I will give my family time.. God knows it took me time, to accept and understand these things. I have some resources that help explain the issue, as well as some biblical references that may help to spread more light on to the topic. It is done. The days ahead will be incredibly difficult at best. And now with eyes stinging and smeared with eyeliner and mascara, hair disheveled from a head hung in despair...I'm still standing, and my fists are clenched in determination!

I am a woman determined, watch the fuck out!

Elle